25 Worst Things to Happen to Music
Twenty-Five People, Practices, and Events That Are Killing Music
From Puffy Combs to the Lilith Fair, these enemies of good music have somehow taken over the industry.
Popular music has gone from great to good to tolerable to downright unbearable over the past thirty years. Here are the people, the music, the economics and the tragedies that have completely screwed up the listening experience.
1. Sean "Puffy" Combs. Whether he's Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy or simply the classic "Diddy," one thing is for sure, this guy is to music what George W. Bush is to good leadership. The fact that this no talent loser almost took over the business in the late '90s and early '00s is a disgrace.
2. Scott Stapp. FInally, finally, this midget lead singer from the Pearl Jam tribute band Creed stepped off his video mountaintop long enough to show that his ultra-religious persona is complete and utter bullsh*t. The man famous for playing Christ-like figures in his increasingly annoying videos has been anything but a holy man lately, getting arrested three times for fighting and drunk and disorderly conduct. Thank God.
3. Jesus Juice and Neverland. Michael Jackson was always a weirdo. But when his behavior stepped over the line separating eccentricity and child molestation, the world's greatest pop music presence was gone forever.
4. The Death of the Vinyl Album. Buying an album used to be an event. Kids saved their babysitting and lawn-cutting money to buy their favorite group's new record. Vinyl albums were about so much more than just the music. The size, the artwork, the liner notes, and even the easy-to-scratch 12" discs made buying a record an event. Today, it's a three second download. Just another example of technology making people's lives so easy that folks aren't really living at all anymore.
5. American idol. This show is supposed to be a contest that gives America its next new pop superstar. In reality, the program is nothing more than a slicker version of the Gong Show. And if Ruben Stoddard, Clay Aiken, Taylor Hicks and Fantasia Barrino are superstars, then Simon Cowell is Quincy Jones.
6. Sting. This dope left one of the best bands in the world to perform adult contemporary music for middle-aged political and corporate world leaders. The music was horrid, the absence of the Police was a crime against music, and his late-life reunion with the guys who made him famous is just a shameless attempt to regain some degree of musical relevancy.
7. Grunge. With the lone exception of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Grunge music was the dullest, muddiest, most depressing musical expression this side of a Chopin Funeral March.
8. Guns n' Roses Breaks Up. They were the greatest band in the world from 1987 until 1993. Then Axl Rose became so insufferable that band members headed for the hills, one by one, culminating with guitarist Slash's exodus in 1996. Since then, Axl has turned G 'n R into a joke. A really bad, really unfunny joke.
9. The new R&B. In the early to mid-1960s, Rhythm and Blues was a synonym for rock 'n roll. Later it defined great music from legends as diverse as Roberta Flack to Toni Braxton. Now, it's all about having one name, which is horribly misspelled, and trying to stretch "baby" into a twelve-syllable word. It's all good? No, it's all bad.
10. Janet Jackson/Britney Spears/Madonna Live Shows. Why would anybody want to see these B-level dancers hoofing around a stage with 25 backup stiffs, all the while lip-synching to their headache-inducing music? Is there any real difference between this crap and drunken cheerleader karaoke?
11. The Breakup of the Clash. They were the only band that matters. They were the masters of punk, jazz, ska, rockabilly, rap, dance, and of course, reggae. But years of constant touring and intense recording finally wore them down and the group fell apart in 1983, and ultimately folded in 1986. What a loss.
12. The Stones Refuse to Hang it Up. They are the greatest band of all time, no offense to the Beatles. But does anyone really want to see a bunch of 70-year olds prancing around the stage? The answer is obviously yes, but then again, most people are morons.
13. Boy Bands. What was this all about? Five guys in their late twenties dancing with all the grace of a drunken Artie Lange while they lip-synch to their crappy songs for the benefit of their 13-year old pre-pubescent girls. This stuff was awful and you just know it will all come back soon.
14. MTV. This channel used to play music videos featuring the new hits from the best bands. It was revolutionary and it was fun. Today, the channel is all about horribly vapid and offensive shows like Cribs, The Real Life, Yo Mama, Pimp My Ride and Punk'd.
15. The Death of Terrestrial Radio. Not to long ago, a person could turn on the radio and have a wide, varied choice of music to listen to: rock, rap, pop, jazz, R&B, country, metal, Latin, etc. etc. Today, there are just six companies that own radio stations in the U.S. None of them knows how to program. Today, listeners get to choose from the latest Howard Stern rip off, Rush Limbaugh, Sports Radio, or Sean Hannity. It's all trash, and it forces musical acts to sell their songs to commercials or even worse, show up on American Idol to hawk their new albums.
16. Rock 'n Roll Reality TV. Some say that Buddy Holly's plane crash was the "Day the Music Died." To this generation, however, that day occurred when Ozzy and Sharon let MTV bring cameras into their home to film a reality show prompting some Black Sabbath fans to lock themselves in their garages with the car motors running.
17. Madonna Got a British Accent. Boy, she really turned out to be an assh*le.
18. Aerosmith. These guys NEED to go away. They were the best bad-ass band of the 1970s, who cranked out such nasty tunes as Back in the Saddle, Sick as a Dog, and Lord of the Thighs. Like all great bands, they fell to pieces under the weight of their success and drug addictions. Then they re-formed in the '80s and made some good music. Then they just kept hanging on, even though Steven Tyler started looking more like an old Gypsy and the band did the theme song to Armageddon, possibly the worst movie in celluloid history. A generation of the band's real fans pleads aloud: "stop the insanity!"
19. Thug Rap. Today, the best way to become a music star is to: (1) avoid learning to sing or play an instrument, (2) change your name to one word that is so misspelled that it threatens the very existence of the English language; and (3) make a video where you are surrounded by "hos" and bragging about the your penis, your nine millimeter, your supremacy over all other rappers, and then, of course, say: "Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care." That's genius.
20. Madonna's British Accent. Again, she really is an assh*le.
21. Jennifer Lopez. Another assh*le, and even less talented than Madonna.
22. Parrotheads. Nothing better than one fake hippie ripping off hundreds of thousands of other fake hippies to the tune of millions of dollars.
23. Sheryl Crow. She writes the worst lyrics in music history, but somehow gets the respect of music legends. What is going on there?
24. Those Damn Little Planes. Too many great artists have lost their lives in these deathtraps. Patsy Cline, Buddy Holly, Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jim Croce and John Denver. Maybe somebody could charter one of these planes with P. Diddy, Madonna, Lopez, Crow, the entire G-Unit as passengers.
25. Turning 27 Years Old. Robert Johnson, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and Jimmie Hendrix all left this world when they were only 27 years old.
Sad. Very Sad.
